Pretend It’s a Forest

I feel it’s my duty to address a very important topic: “Where are the bears?” A question that came up over dinner and drinks, after their existence stopped being a trendy topic in recent weeks. Additionally, it has come to our attention that apples have remained uneaten, bear crossing patterns have changed, and the weekly count of bear reports in the “Sheriff’s Blotter” has vanished. So, where are they?

While some say that fall is when bear activity typically increases, since it’s their last chance to fuel up before hibernation—a practice I wish counted as PTO—their presence seems to have decreased. Perhaps, as I mentioned in my last column, it’s because the season’s timing is off. Maybe the bears are still out enjoying the nice weather, leaving thoughts of prepping for fall and winter as an afterthought—something we seem to share with them. Have you insulated your pipes yet? I didn’t think so.

Since the Town Hall Meeting about “Living with Black Bears and Mountain Lions” will happen on October 25th, I have no choice but to speculate. Here are a few hypothetical scenarios that might explain their absence:

They are on a diet. After years of being called honey-eaters, big boys, tanks, and chubbies, the bears have had enough. Now, they’ve decided to switch from pastries, espresso coffee ice cream, and fruit to a meal plan based on trout and water.

People stopped reporting them. If you’ve been reading the Sheriff’s Blotter, you know it has been filled with unnecessary 911 calls about roommate drama—described by Angela in the same witty tone as her bear reports. I’ve come to two conclusions: one, this roommate might actually be a bear, and two, as a society, we’ve realized that bears aren’t as bad as troublesome roommates, and we’ve adjusted our reporting priorities accordingly.

The bears are busy. After watching the documentary Ranger Rider at the Big Springs Retreat Center, which explores how ranchers and wolves can coexist without resorting to killing, one might wonder if the bears have teamed up with Patagonia to create their own documentary on non-lethal methods to ensure their survival for future generations. If that’s the case, they’re probably busy filming, which explains their sudden disappearance. Premiere date TBD.

They went to live on a farm. No further explanation is needed.

While we have to appreciate the bears for keeping a fair distance and not terrorizing the town, I hope they’re either well and alive in our mountains or having a fantastic time at Lake Tahoe. But for now—locals, old-timers, newcomers, tourists, and visitors from other galaxies—let’s pretend that, even though they haven’t paid us a visit, the bears are still out there. Don’t let your guard down—and definitely don’t leave those apple or pumpkin pies cooling by the window.