The Mountain Messenger

Russian Naval Submarines Take Local Lakes

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DOWNIEVILLE - The west side of Sierra County was rocked early Sunday morning by the discovery of a stunning global military escalation right in our own backyard. A groundskeeper at Sardine Lake Resort on Lower Sardine Lake breathlessly called the Sierra County Sheriff's Office with the news that a state-of-the-art Russian Ratsputin-class icebreaking nuclear submarine had surfaced in the lake's waters and was now proudly waving the three horizontal stripes of the Russian Federation's flag over Sierra County's own waters. Twenty minutes later, another call was received from Stampede Reservoir, where it was reported that dam operators were under siege from the crew of another Ratsputin­-class craft, and expected to be overrun within the hour.

"This is an abject disaster" said Sierra County Sheriff-Coroner Crowley Moritz in a press conference Monday morning. "We knew as a nation that the day where Russia would unacceptably escalate this conflict was near, but I think nobody ever ...