Russian Naval Submarines Take Local Lakes

By George Yossarian

DOWNIEVILLE – The west side of Sierra County was rocked early Sunday morning by the discovery of a stunning global military escalation right in our own backyard. A groundskeeper at Sardine Lake Resort on Lower Sardine Lake breathlessly called the Sierra County Sheriff’s Office with the news that a state-of-the-art Russian Ratsputin-class icebreaking nuclear submarine had surfaced in the lake’s waters and was now proudly waving the three horizontal stripes of the Russian Federation’s flag over Sierra County’s own waters. Twenty minutes later, another call was received from Stampede Reservoir, where it was reported that dam operators were under siege from the crew of another Ratsputin­-class craft, and expected to be overrun within the hour.

“This is an abject disaster” said Sierra County Sheriff-Coroner Crowley Moritz in a press conference Monday morning. “We knew as a nation that the day where Russia would unacceptably escalate this conflict was near, but I think nobody ever expected that it would begin right here in Sierra County. I mean, how did they even get here?! Half these lakes are landlocked!” The confused Sheriff then abandoned the podium in a manner suggesting demonic possession, muttering repeatedly about Russian military hardware and landlocked alpine lakes.

Plumas and Lassen counties were not spared either, with Honey Lake and Lake Almanor both suddenly playing host to not one, not two, but three Ratsputins apiece. Local law enforcement is similarly baffled in both cases, particularly in Lassen since Honey Lake is a drainage basin with no outlet and a very short inlet. Rumors of a third fleet appearing in Eagle Lake are entirely unfounded; the wreckage of one found in Lake Tahoe is currently assumed to have been eaten by “Tessie”.

Current intel suggests that the Russian submarines in Sardine and Almanor managed to ride fish ladders up from the Central Valley, while the ones found in Tahoe, Honey and Stampede are presumed to have been portaged some distance by their crews. The United States Department of Defense refused to answer the Mistaker’s interview requests, but the President is rumored to be preparing a strongly-worded press release directed at Pladimir Vutin, the Grand Generalissmo of Russia.

As the Mistaker goes to press, the Sardine submarine reportedly surrendered to the Sierra County Sheriff’s Office in exchange for access to working telephones and food rations that did not expire in 2015. It is suspected that the other crews will rapidly follow suit.

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